I just received a text message from my ex boyfriend asking me, why I had animosity towards him. It’s an interesting situation, because I do feel animosity, but for ONE reason.

I’m over joyed with the fact we broke up, we had a good friendship and good relationship, my best one yet. He is a Christian, but not my same religion. So truth wise, we had different views, but believed in the same God. He was the one that talked about someday getting married to me, and I would shrug it off. He was always the one to tell me he loved me, and would go out of his way to do things for me. After a while in the relationship, he did nothing for me, he would only talk to me when he needed or wanted something and was pretty much taking me for granted. I was giving him so much, but never getting anything back. I gave him every part of me, and a year of my life to him. Then reality hit, and we both got full time jobs and hardly ever saw each other.

One night, I texted him telling him I missed him, and he told me we should go on a date. THEN the conversation totally changed into the fact that we needed to take a break. (I’m not a break kind of girl, either you’re in it or you can take a hike) and I told him that. It really shows how much someone cares about you, when they are about to lose you. He chose to break up with me.

I was worth a text message to him. My body was worth a text message. My soul was worth a text message. I was worth a text message to him.

I’m completely glad we broke up. I had a change of heart, and have never been so close to God. I learned about relationships and KNOW WHAT I WANT AND DESERVE. It took a heartbreak for God to completely fill my heart.

To my ex boyfriend, I was a worth a text message. To God, I’m worth everything.

She loves until, she cries. She will never give up, she will hand out second chances so easily because she knows mistakes will be made. She will look at your hand while your holding it, praying that she will see those same hands 50 years from now. She will crawl into bed, and the first placed she goes is right in your arms. Her dream is to wake up in your arms. She loves when you kiss her forehead when she falls asleep on you. She dosent expect you to be there 24/7, she just wants to know shes yours 24/7. She will trust you, but if you lose that… you will destroy her. She will believe ever word you say… unless she knows the truth. You have the power to change her life. Remember she will love you more than anyone else ever will, and your the one walking away from that. When shes gone, shes gone forever.

You know that feeling right in your gut, when you make a decision to do something because your bitter, and want someone else to be hurt by you, because they hurt you. Yeah… Well I have that feeling right now. In the moment, all I wanted was him to feel the way I felt, hurt and alone. Now I just feel hurt by my own actions. It’s like, I know I could have made the right decision and let it slide, but I went too far. & thinking about it, if he did what I did… I wouldn’t even want to be with him. I’m at the point of crying my eyes out because, everything I do to him, is acting like I don’t care. So, I’m sitting here waiting for him to text me… & the thing is, I know he won’t….

I feel alone. Really alone. I don’t even want to talk to my best friend right now. You know how someone is suppose to be there for you? Whenever… She chose the guy she likes over me. I barely talk to my other best friend, she’s the popular one, she has to keep her reign. Seth isn’t there, doesn’t bother to be there. & my other best guy friend, only thinks about sex and himself. The thing that sucks, is that I’ve had these four, through ups and downs, and now they aren’t there when I need them? I can’t even go to my best friends about my Seth problems, I can’t go to Seth about my friend problems he’s not there… I miss my life. I miss Seth. I miss my best friends. I miss me. I graduate on Saturday, I always thought I’d have them, but right now, it seems like none of them care, and no other feelings compares to that.

My mom is the most unsupportive person in the world. She gives me these looks of disgust, and I know exactly what she’s looking at, because she does it so much. She makes comments like “your thighs are starting to rub together”, “your hair is terrible and damaged, and you don’t even care or you would do something about it”, “save up for your nose job”, “looks like your starting to get chubby around your waist” and “nope she’s not gonna pass that class, she dosent even crack open a book” She tells me that she only says it because it’s true. You don’t think I know that it’s true? I use to weight 125, but the last few months have been tough, I took new pills that cause me to gain weight, ive been stressed from everything that went on, and all the new changes. I now weigh 133. I gained 8 pounds. And she tells me “I never use to weigh that much when I got married.” I’m not you. I will never be you. I have a nervous habit of pulling a section of my hair out, that damages the hair underneath. I can’t control it. I can’t stop, even when I try, I have to do it. I have a bigger nose than everyone else, is tha my fault? I was born that way. I havent been getting te best grades lately, because alot of shit happened to me that took a toll on my life, i also work, help out at church and have a social life, and some of the classes I take are so hard. I finished high school a year early and have 90 credits in college. I’m getting my AA next year, as soon as I finish my math, and I will have more credits towards my BA. I just turned 18. The thing is, I will never be perfect. I’m trying to be the best I can, but I will never be perfect. Ive always struggled with the idea that I’m not good enough, because she always makes me seem like what I’m doing is failure. Im not the prettiest, the skinniest, or the smartest, but I don’t try to be something I’m not. I’m me. & I’m sorry if being me is never good enough, but I don’t need to be told over and over again, reminded constantly of how much of a failure I am. If you keep pushing me away, you won’t have a daughter.

I was hurt, my heart was broken because of the past. I tried to stay strong, but nothing was right. I remember sitting there in a room full of people, and feeling so alone. I was broken, my life, who i was, my innocence…everything was taken from me. You sat there, and I never noticed, I never cared… I was too proud, but really, I was just selfish. There was a moment, a moment that we both will never forget. It was a glance. Who knew a glance exchanged between two enemies could change everything. For that split second, we both felt the jump in our heart as we looked into each others eyes. That moment we both forgot our pasts, we both forgot the pain each other brought us, for that one moment, we became infinite. That moment changed my life, I knew what I had to do; I had to break the silence. I had to push aside my pride, and stand not against you, but with you. That moment, changed our hearts, it gave us an opportunity to heal both of our hearts, and to love again, but selflessly, purely, and wholeheartedly. My heart is forever changed.

Why isn’t anything good enough? Why do people insist on making us feel inferior. What’s worse? Is when the people that do t, are your family. The people that are suppose to encourage you. Im too fat, too dumb, too annoying… How am I suppose to feel good about myself when the people that see me everyday, don’t think I’m good enough. I dont see myself that way, until now…