That lyric from Taylor swifts song “it’s starting be a contest of who act like they can care less” fits my life perfectly. That’s my problem, once I feel like someone doesn’t care, I act like I care less. It’s like a guard for my heart, because as long as I stay in that character of who doesn’t give a shit, I will never be broken. But really, I’m just a girl who cares too much, and is afraid of getting hurt. My biggest fear, is that feelings change. Every relationship I’ve had, I get to a point where the person I’m dating, I love so much, and then they go away… & I’m always the one left, hurting ever night, waking up every morning feeling empty and feeling as though there’s nothing to live for. Relationships tear me apart, they create a monster in me… When I get attached so much that even the sight assumption of them going away leaves me devastated. I’m that girl that doesn’t give a shit… It took me a long time to to finally be that girl, but once someone has my heart… They have every ounce of me. I care, I care more about him than myself… As long as he’s happy, I’ll pretend to be happy. Is this love? I don’t know… Im scared he will walk away someday, and get sick of me cause of this monster I am when I love so much… But I can only trust him enough that he won’t.
I feel alone. Really alone. I don’t even want to talk to my best friend right now. You know how someone is suppose to be there for you? Whenever… She chose the guy she likes over me. I barely talk to my other best friend, she’s the popular one, she has to keep her reign. Seth isn’t there, doesn’t bother to be there. & my other best guy friend, only thinks about sex and himself. The thing that sucks, is that I’ve had these four, through ups and downs, and now they aren’t there when I need them? I can’t even go to my best friends about my Seth problems, I can’t go to Seth about my friend problems he’s not there… I miss my life. I miss Seth. I miss my best friends. I miss me. I graduate on Saturday, I always thought I’d have them, but right now, it seems like none of them care, and no other feelings compares to that.