January 1, 2013

My mom kept calling me to get home, kept texting me, and asking me where i was, which made me upset. I ran out of Jays house, not bothering to kiss him goodbye, just telling him to leave me alone. He kept trying to calm me down, but that made me more mad.

I went to my car, got in and started to go home. The road I was on, curves into another street, and without paying any attention I kept going straight, looking down at my phone, the texts my mom kept sending me, and right into the curve sign and into a ditch.

It really was like my life flashed before my eyes, because all I remember is, “is this really happening” I panicked and didn’t bother to let my foot off the gas, and somehow managed to get the car back on the road. I was completely sideways, and could have flipped. The sign also, could have driven right in the windows and killed me, but it didn’t. By some miracle, my car completely went back on the road.

There’s damage to the car, and it isn’t running properly, and the front headlight his out, but I’m alive.

I left angry and upset and it got the best of me. I could have left this world angry and never made peace with the people in my life. But somehow God gave me another chance, and it’s my job not to let him down.

I just received a text message from my ex boyfriend asking me, why I had animosity towards him. It’s an interesting situation, because I do feel animosity, but for ONE reason.

I’m over joyed with the fact we broke up, we had a good friendship and good relationship, my best one yet. He is a Christian, but not my same religion. So truth wise, we had different views, but believed in the same God. He was the one that talked about someday getting married to me, and I would shrug it off. He was always the one to tell me he loved me, and would go out of his way to do things for me. After a while in the relationship, he did nothing for me, he would only talk to me when he needed or wanted something and was pretty much taking me for granted. I was giving him so much, but never getting anything back. I gave him every part of me, and a year of my life to him. Then reality hit, and we both got full time jobs and hardly ever saw each other.

One night, I texted him telling him I missed him, and he told me we should go on a date. THEN the conversation totally changed into the fact that we needed to take a break. (I’m not a break kind of girl, either you’re in it or you can take a hike) and I told him that. It really shows how much someone cares about you, when they are about to lose you. He chose to break up with me.

I was worth a text message to him. My body was worth a text message. My soul was worth a text message. I was worth a text message to him.

I’m completely glad we broke up. I had a change of heart, and have never been so close to God. I learned about relationships and KNOW WHAT I WANT AND DESERVE. It took a heartbreak for God to completely fill my heart.

To my ex boyfriend, I was a worth a text message. To God, I’m worth everything.

I’m still trying to wrap my mind around it all. I’m still trying to understand how you could just walk away. You were crazy about me, more than I was about you, in the start. You acted like I was your whole world, like i was the only girl you ever needed, those nights we spent together. You kissed me with so much passion, so much love. You use to wipe my hair out of my face when I fell asleep on your chest. You would kiss my forehead when we woke up together, you use to put your arm around me with all your friends, and didn’t care what they thought. We use to spend night talking about our future, we use to laugh with each other for hours about stupid things we thought were funny. We would have done anything for each other. What went wrong? You said you felt a void this past month… And decided it was over. Was it your friends that convinced you I was wrong for you? That you could have more fun being single? I’m sorry, I was busy… I’m sorry you got busy too… But how is anything of what you told me worth losing what we had? That’s what I don’t understand. People stay together for years because they fix what’s broken, not just throw it away. Maybe you will understand that someday, but it will be too late.

I miss the guy that was too shy to ask for my number, the one that talked to me about turtles because he had no idea what to say to me. I miss the guy that wrote me this, 3 days after we met, because he thought I was pretty. I miss the guy that I thought was awkward and kinda weird… But ended up falling in love with anyway. I miss that night you first kissed me, while you went in for a kiss, and I went in for a hug. I miss that night you first told me you loved me, while walking me up to my porch, and was so nervous to hear what I would say back. I miss that night, I got a little drunk and you babysat me the whole night… Because I wouldn’t have made it out of there, if it wasn’t for you. I miss the guy who use to kiss my forehead when I laid up beside his chest at night. The guy that stayed with me while I was sick, an watched scary movies all night till 3am in my room, until you kissed me goodnight and went home. I miss the guy that would stop by my house after work, because he didn’t see me the whole week. I miss the guy that loved me more than anything without even trying. I miss the Seth that tried his hardest to keep me. If you see him again, let me know.. because that’s who I fell in love with. Not who you are today.

I’m so confused, hurt, and angry. All I can think about is how I want to go back & redo things. Fix what went wrong… You keep telling me, that we need to be away from each other to remember what we use to have, to remember why we fell in love. You keep telling me, this is to help us….
But I don’t feel like it is at all. It’s going to make us grow apart & instead of remember… Forget. & it’s killing me. I’ll be sitting in the car, and remember you sitting there telling me a joke. I’ll watch videos and miss your voice. Ill look at a picture and miss your smile. I know we weren’t perfect, but there is no one else I want. I can be surrounded by people, get attention from guys… But I feel lonely… Because you make me feel more than I’ve ever felt.

How can I make you realize I care, I still want you, and that I’m losing everday you’re not here.

The world will try and push you down. You fall, to learn how to get back up. You won’t get it right every time. You will make mistakes, you will give your all, you will get hurt in the process. But I guarantee you, one day you will be singing in the car, and not even realize the contentment you have. You will forget about every heart break, every tear, every word that torn you up inside. You will know your worth, and every person that enters your life, and makes an effort to stay, is your reason to have that happiness. Things always get worse before they get better. Remember that.

I laugh at the world, because my problems are too minute, for the world to stop for. Laugh at your past, laugh at the failures, laugh at the people that brought you down, because trust me, everyone would kill to see you fall. Stand tall, and keeping going, because happiness will find you and life will give you what you deserve.

See that ring on her finger? Its a reminder of everyday of how much he loves her. He saves her everyday.

I have nothing to do tonight, on my day off. How depressing. Even my dog dosent want to hang out with me. At least I have tumblr…